Hi, friends! Here's an update: I left my job! Gasp! I did it! And it feels great. Have no fear for I will not allow it to impede my ability to keep your bellies contracting with laughter. I accepted a position with another company and I am quickly learning that the stupidity of mankind is a constant. In fact, here's a hilarious one.
Unfortunately, fear of libel, slander and defamation law suits prevent me from stating the name of my former employer. I think that picturing any big box retailer will suffice for those of you who don't know me personally.
Anyhow, it has been roughly 3 weeks since I left my job. Today I trotted happily to my mailbox to see what surprises lurked. Would it be another coupon enticing me to spend money I don't have? Would it be those pesky utility companies outrageously demanding I actually pay to use things like water and electricity (pfft! The audacity of some people!)? To my astonishment, there was a letter from my former employer asking me to complete a survey regarding my wasted six years with them. Let's fill it out together!
"How well did we train you for your position?"
Hmm. Let's see. Well, your scale doesn't allow for verbatim comments. That's a shame. I have to rate on a five point scale from "Very Poor" to "Extremely Well." Let's first refer back to an earlier blog post of mine entitled Me No English So Good. If you cannot take the time to properly spell and grammar check my learnings, how much do you really care about my training and development? When I expressed the desire to learn about other processes and departments within in the store something always came up to get in the way of said training. Lest we forget the 4 home theater installs I was supposed to get to go observe that mysteriously got cancelled for one reason or the other. Overall, I'd say your training blew limp dicks.
"Do you feel like you were supported by your leadership team?"
Wow. This might be my favorite. Unfortunately it is yet again limited to the five point system. I have had the esteemed (dis)pleasure of working at two different stores. The first store was filled with a management team with delusions of infallibility. The store's failures were not due to their piss poor managing skills. Of course not. It was due to the the line level employees and supervisors who worked their asses off every day to handle all problems on their own because you all were too busy locking yourselves in conference rooms or making sure YouTube was fully functional on all employee computers. Kudos.
The second store was full of managers who came from other big box retailers that had failed. Hm. Why was this a good idea? Clearly their managing skills were not that great if the entire company went under. So I knew that if I had a concern or question about what I was supposed to do, I could absolutely, without a doubt count on my leadership team to NOT have the answers. Hey, thanks for being worthless! (I do feel compelled to say that out of both teams, there were two managers who knew how to do their job and were absolutely not worthless. Unfortunately, they were looked down upon by the rest of the management staff. Fail.)
"Did you feel like you were supported by your General Manager?"
Ha. These questions just keep getting better and better! I must question why these are not positioned as verbatim questions. Probably because you already know the answers will be negative.... But I digress. I've had two GMs. Both of whom absolutely did not have my back or any of their employee's backs. Well, unless they were their old high school buddies. Then, sure!
My first GM poured more bullshit down everyone's throat to try to get them motivated to do more work for less money and zero chance of promotion. He also had a pretty big head when it came to boundaries of what he could tell me I was allowed to do. Hey, jackass, I'll blog if I want to. I'm sure he's a cool guy and all, truthfully, but as a GM, you blow.
My second GM was even worse. He barely talked to anyone. He was on his cell phone 99% of the time you saw him. And he had the audacity to insinuate that it was MY fault that he employed a shitty 20 year old to manage a business that accounted for most of the store's revenue resulting in that departments utter failure. It had nothing to do with this kids concern with being a gossipy teenager and turning everyone on each other rather than running a business. Hey, it's not my responsibility to hold anyone's hand through their job and I'm certainly not going to provide anyone else with the answers so THEY get the glory. GMs are worthless.
"Why did you leave *insert company name here*?"
Finally! A question I can type exactly what I want to say! First, take the answers to the above three questions. After you have digested those reasons, allow me to add to it. Not taking the time to develop people into roles they are more than capable of having is 100% YOUR fault. If a hard working, intelligent, capable individual express the desire to do more for you, ACCEPT it! Help them to help you. Don't bring in your frat buddies who you like to reminisce about slamming back brewskies on game day. This is no way to run a company!
Also, have you ever heard the phrase, "You get what you pay for"? Allow me to explain this. If you pay me $9/hr, you will get $9/hr worth of work. This does NOT include doing your work for you. I will do the minimum requirements to not get fired. I'm not entirely sure why this comes as a shock for you. In short, you fail to realize that the people you employee make or break you. Try making them happy for a change.
"If there was one thing we could have changed to keep you, what would that have been?"
I think I've more than adequately listed numerous steps you could have taken to avoid my departure. Allow me to leave you with this thought, "STOP SUCKING!!!!"
"Is there anything else you would like to tell us about working for *insert company name here*?
You successfully wasted six years of my life. Thanks for nothing! The only good thing I got out of you was the occasional free shit and a whole mess of friends who feel the same way I do about your shitty company. They'll probably be filling this survey out in a similar manner soon.
"Would you like to discuss this with an HR manager?"
Why? So that I can get a case number from some dude in India who has no real affiliation with your company? The one time in six whole years I had a legitimate complaint that ate at me so deeply I felt compelled to file a complaint, that was my experience. And because of the language barrier, he filed my complaint as "She does not get along with her GM." Hey, thanks for making me look like a moron, fucktard.
So.....do you think I should send it?
