Smelliness to Proximity (ft.)

Have you ever noticed the correlation between how horrible a person smells and how close they feel is appropriate to stand next to another human being?  Having the (dis)pleasure of working with the general public has made me uniquely qualified to report on this subject.

I have provided a graph outlining my findings.

As you can see, the more offensive the odor, the closer the customer stands.  This finding is not prejudice to just those with body odor.  Oh, no.  Those suffering from massive halitosis are common offenders also.

These offenders do not respond to your feeble attempts at creating a comfortable distance between you.  They will in fact make every effort to close any distance you have managed to create.  These smelly folk like to spread their funk to as many people as possible.  I have found for each foot of space you put between you and this smelly offender, said offender closes the gap by a foot and a half.

Please, I encourage you, and those you know, to abide the social standard of personal hygiene.  This epidemic is affecting big box retail employees world wide.  Help end this alarming trend!

The cause of this phenomenon is still under investigation.  I will provide a follow up report if this finding is ever revealed.

Snap, Whistle, Clap.

Snaps, whistles and claps are appropriate and accepted means to get your loyal dog to return to you after a game of fetch.  Snaps, whistles and claps are never, have never and (hopefully) will NEVER be an accepted means to get the attention of a customer service worker.

I'm not sure what kind of brain abnormality (other than general trashiness) one has to possess to think this is acceptable social behavior.  Where did you learn to socialize?  The zoo?  Perhaps that explains not only your lack of social skills, but your smell as well.

Though this happens on a fairly regular basis where I work, today's occurrence takes the cake.

I had the pleasure of helping a genuinely nice older couple who unfortunately didn't know shit about televisions.  When you get this type of customer, you spend an obscene amount of time dumbing down all the technical terms so they can sort of grasp all of the technical specifications surrounding electronics today.  

These people were not standing far away from me at all.  They were not silently debating their many TV options.  We were actively conversing.

Enter: quintessential rude, over privileged, trust fund toting, 20 something male.  Look, kid.  I am not commissioned.  Realistically I could give a shit less how much money you spend at this store.  You will shut the fuck up and wait your turn.

While my poor, techno-illiterate old couple was trying to absorb the knowledge I was dispersing, this piece of shit in a suit cleared his throat, made eye contact with me and proceeded to snap at me.  Not snapping to the beat of the wonderful musical stylings of The Bouncing Souls.  Oh no.  Snapping at me with a look that conveyed, "Bitch, come."

If you've met me, you are probably aware of my temper.  This temper just keeps getting shorter and shorter the more disgruntled I become.  An immediate way to make my restraint on said temper completely nonexistent is to treat me like I am stupid or beneath you.  This man, nay, boy, did both with only a look and a snap.

I smiled my, "you are just about to get your world fucked up" smile, cleared my throat, chuckled and responded with a raised index finger.  The raised index finger is the customer service worker's equivalent to a snap.  It is perhaps one of the rudest gestures someone can make to tell a person, "I'll be right with you."  It was one finger off from what he deserved.

I took my sweet ass time with my nice elderly couple, taking extra care to explain each individual specification in the easiest way possible.  I was executing my job to a "T" while doucher over there stood staring and audibly sighed every few seconds.

I eventually got to him and basically talked down to him the entire time.  He was not enjoying the fact that my intellect far surpassed his own (which, I might add, was less than impressive). Yes, I know more than you.  Yes, I am more articulate than you (this moron didn't understand the word "aesthetics." Fail.).  Yes, you improperly assumed I am uneducated because I work a blue collar job.  You lose on all accounts.

My hope is that one day I will be encouraged to respond to these customers in the only way that would generally make an impact; a good 'ole fashioned throat punch.

Me No English So Good.

Anyone who has interacted with me for more than five minutes can attest to the fact that I am offended by one thing and one thing alone.  That one thing is blatant disregard for the English language.  If you live in America, like it or not, it is the dominate language so learn to speak it properly or shut the fuck up.

It is bad enough I have to listen to the moronic customer base, but then I have to attempt to pick out the meaning behind my valuable training materials, provided by my multi-BILLION dollar company, amidst all the spelling and grammatical errors.

I suppose I should feel happy that my job is FINALLY allowing us time to learn things.  I guess they finally got sick of having employees who know less than the customers.

Today was a day I was allotted an hour to do some online training on whatever I wanted.  Instead of absorbing knowledge to be a better sales associate (hahahahahahaha), I ended up taking photos for what I knew to be my next blog content.

Let's play "What's wrong with this picture?" (Sorry about the flash dot. I was trying to be stealthy as we now have a "strict" no cell phone policy and didn't have time to turn the flash off.)

Holy shit.  Where can I find a 406 foot VGA cable?  More importantly, am I to believe there is something longer?! Is that a dot com only product?  Oh.  You meant 4 - 6.  Fail.

I think I'm doing something wrong.  I'm not entirely sure how to lat down.  Is that what all the cool kids are doing these days?  

Firstly, I (poorly) blurred out the brand name to avoid any bitching on their or my employer's behalf.  But I ask you, is it that difficult to use a backspace?  Clearly that ? doesn't belong in the middle of the word.  Unless....is it like a glottal stop? Should I be alarmed?  Is this the USB that will end the world? Hmmm.

Now before you say these are small, insignificant typos that any moron could decipher, I will say the significance of the problem is not the issue.  The issue is this company's lack of desire to invest the time to proofread before something is published this as a legitimate resource.  If you cannot avoid basic typos, why should I trust the validity of your information?  

One would think a company as the one in question could afford an editor.  Job opportunity for Stef, perhaps? 

Front Butt.

Front Butt: (adj) The bulbous protrusion emanating from below the waist. The profile of the bearer of a front butt closely resembles the uppercase letter “B”. The most common wielders of a front butt are middle-aged males with a penchant for ill-cut high-rising trousers, which they fasten well above the navel. Commonly, those with front butts are also equipped with “man titties”.


Thank you, Urban Dictionary. 


In my experience, sufferers of the Front Butt often have the inability to realize their condition and refuse to dress accordingly.  Your shirt should always meet your pants.  Bare midriffs are so 1997.  And lest we forget, that was only in style for skinny folk.


Additionally, front butt offenders seem to be part of the rudest group of customers I have ever encountered.  There must be some sort of reservior of bad attitude hiding out in that large bulbous protrusion! 


Working in the fine, upscale retail environment I do, I have the displeasure of encountering these wonderful people.  The most recent of which was a couple and their child.  Yes.  A family of front butts. ::shudders::


Allow me to list the many things wrong with this family.


1) Though we work in the customer service industry, we are also human beings who have lives outside of their job.  We close at nine, dipshit.  So don't come in needing excessive technological education at 8:55.  That is not okay.


2) If you have a question for me you must first end your conversation on your cell phone.  I am not one of those people who is angry at the fact that you are talking loudly on your cell phone airing your dirty laundry.  I actually find it quite humorous.  No.  I am angry that you attempt to hold two conversations at once and fail.  


3) If you are having a marital dispute, I implore you, please do it in private.  It is bad enough that I have to suffer through the visual assault by your front butts, inability to express yourself verbally, and blatant inconsideration of those around you.  Please do not force me to have a detailed picture of what your life is like.  That is a place no one should venture.


4) I am not, I repeat, NOT a babysitter.  No, I will not watch your child while you shop around my store AFTER WE'VE CLOSED!  Well, I wouldn't do it if we were still open, but still.  You chose to spawn so it is your job and your job alone to take care of it.  Do we need to have the "I hate children conversation"?


I'm sure I could go on and on, but it would take away from the key point.  If you are fat, dress accordingly, please.  I do not want to see you belly that looks like a butt.  And for God's sake, please stop rubbing your belly! You are not a genie!

Bucket List.

Most people construct a bucket list of important things they want to accomplish before dying; travel the world, bungee jump, or climb Everest.  Sometimes they're even quite noble; help the starving Ethiopians, find a cure for cancer, or even make amends with those you've wronged.  If you know me, you know I haven't the ability to construct a list so consequential or noble.  I have instead constructed my list of shit to do before I quit my job.


I have absolutely no intention of staying in the retail biz.  I am much happier and much more talented as a writer to waste my life away serving others. Also, as it turns out, I'm not really a fan of the general public.


But I digress....


This is how I intend to spend my last week in retail when I finally get out.


1)  Be as blatantly sarcastic as possible.
                Customer:  "Do you work here?"
                          Me:  "Funny you should ask.  I actually beat the shit out 
                                    of this girl in the bathroom a minute ago to steal her 
                                    uniform.  It's so pretty. Someone should really go 
                                    check on her...."


2)  Instate the "fresh air break."
                Look. If smokers get to go outside every hour for 10 to 15 
                minutes to get their nicotine fix, I can go outside and play in the 
                fresh air for 10-15 minutes. (For this fantasy, I quit when it's nice 
                outside. It makes sense in my head....)


3)  Remove the "with a smile" from the "condescending with a smile" sales 
     strategy.
                  Customer:  "I want that TV with 1020 pixels."
                            Me:  "Hm. I'm not familiar with a TV that only has 1020 
                                      pixels."
                  Customer:  "Obviously you don't know anything because it says 
                                      720p or 1020p on those tags! P is for pixels!"
                            Me:  "Oh.  I think you mean 720 vs. 1080 as there is no such 
                                      thing as 1020.  Furthermore, if your TV only had 1080 
                                      pixels it would look like shit.  The "p" stands for 
                                      progressive not pixels.  Moron."
                  *Don't come in and try to school me when you don't know your head 
                    from your ass.  Though I don't claim to know it all, do your research 
                    before attempting to showcase you know more than the good ole
                   (name of the company I work for here) employees.*


4)  I am going to attempt to incite a conversation like the one in the video 
     below with my management staff.  They talk about financing so much
     it shouldn't be that difficult. 
                   It is important to note that I did not make this.  If you read my blog 
                   regularly, you may remember this gem.
                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o-IQCM88s4&feature=feedf


5)  Agree with all the utterly moronic things people come in and say.
                  Customer:  "This dude that my cousin's friend's girlfriend's 
                                      dad knows told me he read on the internet that
                                      I could install this wall mount on some plywood
                                      and hang my 65" Plasma that weighs about 130lbs
                                      on it."
                           Me:   "Yep.  That shouldn't be a problem."


This is by no means a complete list, but these are the ones I find myself wanting to do more and more everyday.  I certainly hope this last week ever is approaching soon...


                      *Disclaimer: I am merely having fun using my life
                                           for ridiculous satire.  If you are incapable 
                                          of taking my commentary at face value and 
                                         having fun with it, go fuck yourself. Kthanxbye.