Cell Phones Are Evil.

Okay, believe me.  I am the first to admit I'd be lost without one.  But there really is a time and a place.  The time to put it away is when you're trying to talk to me.  I don't have time for that shit!

How can I be expected to give you my award winning spiel when you are only willing to give me a quarter of your attention?!  Sales associates by nature are attention whores. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Seriously though, this is how my typical sales interaction goes with you on your cell phone:

Customer: (holding phone slightly away from face) Hey, can you help me?
Me: Sure, what can I do for you today?
Customer: (talking into the phone) I know right! I can't believe she did that either. Oh wait, the sales lady's here. I'm trying to buy a TV.  (finally acknowledging me) Oh so what's the difference between these two TVs?
Me: (in my patient tone I start stating the differences and then am rudely cut short)
Customer: (laughing hysterically) Ooooh! That bitch is crazy! I can't believe you said that! Oh shit. Hold on I gotta listen to this lady talk about TVs.

Thank you very much for successfully wasting my time.  If you can't give me the common courtesy of staying off your phone, I shouldn't have to try and sell you shit.  I don't need to hear your soooo not appropriate for public phone conversations.  I don't care if your best friend is banging your dad.  It's not my business and frankly, it makes me want to vomit.

But what's worse than the occasional customer rudely making me fight for their attention is my BOSS barking orders at me that require an answer or explanation while he is on his phone.  Yes. This happens on a frequent basis.  I really need a new job....(but then how would I entertain you fine readers?)

What's In Your Bag?

I've officially seen it all.  Just when I think people could not get any crazier (I mean, don't you remember No More Drum Solos?!) someone walks into my wonderful place of employment and skews my entire crazy scale.

At *insert store name here* we dabble in small appliances.  I say dabble because I am not sure I work with a single person (myself included) that knows a shred of information on these.  Anyway, people rarely come in to shop the area anyway.  A co-worker of mine was lucky enough to be walking passed our vacuum displays and got reeled in by a crazy.

"Well, Stef.  How did you know she was crazy?" you may ask.  My first indication was her mismatched clothing, disheveled hair and general "crazy cat lady" presence she gave.  My second indication, and I did not know how accurate my first impression was until this very following moment, was when she pulled a giant bag of cat hair out of her purse.  What. The. Fuck?

As she began to sprinkle the cat hair on the ground, I saw the utter look of confused terror on my co-workers face.  I did what any good peer would do.  I walked the fuck away.  Sorry, dude.  My crazy quota is full!

Okay, I understand you need to know if a vacuum is going to pick up what you need picked up.  The great thing is, we offer 30 day satisfaction guarantees so feel free to take it HOME with your 5,000 cats and see if it picks up their hair.  So leave the crazy at home next time, lady.  We certainly don't get paid enough for that shit!

The Yellow Circle of Doom!

(Oh you KNOW I totally Googled "child faceplant" for this pic)

Whoever decided that my store would look better with a giant yellow circle painted in the tile was a freaking genius.  It has provided me many a good laugh and undoubted confirmation that I am, in fact, going to Hell if one should exist.

I am not sure of the rationale, but for some reason, small, hyper children seem to gravitate towards this yellow circle.  It's as if they are being compelled by some unnatural force.  And are being moved to...well...move.  This often comes in the senseless act of running around in said yellow circle until BAM!  They land face first on that dirty little floor.

Is it my fault that your small child face planting in public makes me erupt in a fit of inappropriate laughter? I certainly don't think so.  Unfortunately, the general population would disagree with me judging by the number of disapproving glares shot my way whenever this happens.   Hey, when other people get hurt, especially those who do not have yet developed full motor skills, it is funny.  To suggest otherwise is a blatant lie.

I only wish I had the foresight to capture these glorious moments on camera.  Don't worry, disapproving parentals, my company has since removed this yellow circle of doom from the majority of its stores taking away the one happy moment I could forward to each shift.  I suppose I'll just have to resort to tripping them myself now....