Hi, friends! Here's an update: I left my job! Gasp! I did it! And it feels great. Have no fear for I will not allow it to impede my ability to keep your bellies contracting with laughter. I accepted a position with another company and I am quickly learning that the stupidity of mankind is a constant. In fact, here's a hilarious one.
Unfortunately, fear of libel, slander and defamation law suits prevent me from stating the name of my former employer. I think that picturing any big box retailer will suffice for those of you who don't know me personally.
Anyhow, it has been roughly 3 weeks since I left my job. Today I trotted happily to my mailbox to see what surprises lurked. Would it be another coupon enticing me to spend money I don't have? Would it be those pesky utility companies outrageously demanding I actually pay to use things like water and electricity (pfft! The audacity of some people!)? To my astonishment, there was a letter from my former employer asking me to complete a survey regarding my wasted six years with them. Let's fill it out together!
"How well did we train you for your position?"
Hmm. Let's see. Well, your scale doesn't allow for verbatim comments. That's a shame. I have to rate on a five point scale from "Very Poor" to "Extremely Well." Let's first refer back to an earlier blog post of mine entitled Me No English So Good. If you cannot take the time to properly spell and grammar check my learnings, how much do you really care about my training and development? When I expressed the desire to learn about other processes and departments within in the store something always came up to get in the way of said training. Lest we forget the 4 home theater installs I was supposed to get to go observe that mysteriously got cancelled for one reason or the other. Overall, I'd say your training blew limp dicks.
"Do you feel like you were supported by your leadership team?"
Wow. This might be my favorite. Unfortunately it is yet again limited to the five point system. I have had the esteemed (dis)pleasure of working at two different stores. The first store was filled with a management team with delusions of infallibility. The store's failures were not due to their piss poor managing skills. Of course not. It was due to the the line level employees and supervisors who worked their asses off every day to handle all problems on their own because you all were too busy locking yourselves in conference rooms or making sure YouTube was fully functional on all employee computers. Kudos.
The second store was full of managers who came from other big box retailers that had failed. Hm. Why was this a good idea? Clearly their managing skills were not that great if the entire company went under. So I knew that if I had a concern or question about what I was supposed to do, I could absolutely, without a doubt count on my leadership team to NOT have the answers. Hey, thanks for being worthless! (I do feel compelled to say that out of both teams, there were two managers who knew how to do their job and were absolutely not worthless. Unfortunately, they were looked down upon by the rest of the management staff. Fail.)
"Did you feel like you were supported by your General Manager?"
Ha. These questions just keep getting better and better! I must question why these are not positioned as verbatim questions. Probably because you already know the answers will be negative.... But I digress. I've had two GMs. Both of whom absolutely did not have my back or any of their employee's backs. Well, unless they were their old high school buddies. Then, sure!
My first GM poured more bullshit down everyone's throat to try to get them motivated to do more work for less money and zero chance of promotion. He also had a pretty big head when it came to boundaries of what he could tell me I was allowed to do. Hey, jackass, I'll blog if I want to. I'm sure he's a cool guy and all, truthfully, but as a GM, you blow.
My second GM was even worse. He barely talked to anyone. He was on his cell phone 99% of the time you saw him. And he had the audacity to insinuate that it was MY fault that he employed a shitty 20 year old to manage a business that accounted for most of the store's revenue resulting in that departments utter failure. It had nothing to do with this kids concern with being a gossipy teenager and turning everyone on each other rather than running a business. Hey, it's not my responsibility to hold anyone's hand through their job and I'm certainly not going to provide anyone else with the answers so THEY get the glory. GMs are worthless.
"Why did you leave *insert company name here*?"
Finally! A question I can type exactly what I want to say! First, take the answers to the above three questions. After you have digested those reasons, allow me to add to it. Not taking the time to develop people into roles they are more than capable of having is 100% YOUR fault. If a hard working, intelligent, capable individual express the desire to do more for you, ACCEPT it! Help them to help you. Don't bring in your frat buddies who you like to reminisce about slamming back brewskies on game day. This is no way to run a company!
Also, have you ever heard the phrase, "You get what you pay for"? Allow me to explain this. If you pay me $9/hr, you will get $9/hr worth of work. This does NOT include doing your work for you. I will do the minimum requirements to not get fired. I'm not entirely sure why this comes as a shock for you. In short, you fail to realize that the people you employee make or break you. Try making them happy for a change.
"If there was one thing we could have changed to keep you, what would that have been?"
I think I've more than adequately listed numerous steps you could have taken to avoid my departure. Allow me to leave you with this thought, "STOP SUCKING!!!!"
"Is there anything else you would like to tell us about working for *insert company name here*?
You successfully wasted six years of my life. Thanks for nothing! The only good thing I got out of you was the occasional free shit and a whole mess of friends who feel the same way I do about your shitty company. They'll probably be filling this survey out in a similar manner soon.
"Would you like to discuss this with an HR manager?"
Why? So that I can get a case number from some dude in India who has no real affiliation with your company? The one time in six whole years I had a legitimate complaint that ate at me so deeply I felt compelled to file a complaint, that was my experience. And because of the language barrier, he filed my complaint as "She does not get along with her GM." Hey, thanks for making me look like a moron, fucktard.
So.....do you think I should send it?
Monday, October 3, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Me, Caveman. You Helper.
The best thing (and possibly only good thing currently) about my job is talking to people. If you've spent even a shred of time with me, you're aware that I'm a talker. Once when I was 3, I made some dude I'd never met endure the ramblings of my three year old brain for an entire plane ride from Iowa to Florida. That poor bastard. So imagine my heartbreak when I realize those I interact with daily apparently have lost all ability to effectively communicate.
I'm not sure why, but people seem to get lazier and lazier every day. This has now protruded into the general population's basic communication skills. On a regular basis I feel as though I am dealing with a population that has de-evolved to the point of Neanderthals.
We no longer speak in complete sentences. Instead, I receive, "(pointing) In stock?" Um. Before talking, think of this; if I were blind, would I have any idea what you were trying to convey? Would it have altered your quality of life so much to add the "is" and the "this"?
As if that isn't enough, I am expected to sift through the mumblers. Oh, the mumblers. Firstly, you cannot expect the average person to be able to understand what it is you need when you are looking away from them while seemingly eating their tongues.
I haven't gotten to the worst part (for me). As I said, I LOVE to talk. I pride myself on my impeccable grammar skills and extensive vocabulary. Sadly, this is no longer appreciated because people have become so stupid. Instead of applauding my intelligence or engaging in meaningful dialogue, I get blank stares and find myself resorting to the most basic of communication skills.
I suppose it could be worse; at least the grunting hasn't started. Yet.
I'm not sure why, but people seem to get lazier and lazier every day. This has now protruded into the general population's basic communication skills. On a regular basis I feel as though I am dealing with a population that has de-evolved to the point of Neanderthals.
We no longer speak in complete sentences. Instead, I receive, "(pointing) In stock?" Um. Before talking, think of this; if I were blind, would I have any idea what you were trying to convey? Would it have altered your quality of life so much to add the "is" and the "this"?
As if that isn't enough, I am expected to sift through the mumblers. Oh, the mumblers. Firstly, you cannot expect the average person to be able to understand what it is you need when you are looking away from them while seemingly eating their tongues.
I haven't gotten to the worst part (for me). As I said, I LOVE to talk. I pride myself on my impeccable grammar skills and extensive vocabulary. Sadly, this is no longer appreciated because people have become so stupid. Instead of applauding my intelligence or engaging in meaningful dialogue, I get blank stares and find myself resorting to the most basic of communication skills.
I suppose it could be worse; at least the grunting hasn't started. Yet.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
On a Serious Note...
It is sad that in today's culture there is no protection for non-unionized workers against workplace bullying. I feel like I am a pretty strong natured person and I have a pretty thick hide. It takes a LOT to really get to me. I've complained about my job in the past but it was always trivial "boo hoo I didn't get promoted" or "this new policy sucks" stuff. Not the case this time. I've never really experienced panic attacks and stress induced nausea until recently. My GM has literally made me terrified and uncomfortable to go to work. And this is never okay.
Though my former GM and I had our moments where we did not see eye to eye, under no circumstances did he ever falsify my job performance, spread rumors about my alleged resignation or attempt to intimidate me into quitting. My new GM has decided to act to the contrary. All because he heard I applied for a job elsewhere.
Am I pissed I was passed up again for a promotion? Of course. However, I solved it by reflecting on what I wanted in life. I decided my current job was never going to make me happy promoted or not. I decided on a different profession entirely that would require a little more schooling. Did I decide to apply to other companies? You betcha! But my job performance has not decreased one bit. Every other manager in the store seems to admire my performance.
However, my GM apparently did not see it this way. He decided to sit me down in our conference room to tell me that the department I work in is imploding and it is essentially my fault. Interesting how a measly line level employee can be responsible for the follies of an ENTIRE department. Why not go to the supervisor? Oh, because he left just in the nick of time. Right before the department where he would actively try to pit one employee against the other imploded. But, I'm seeking other employment so it must be my fault.
In addition, he attempted to rewrite history and tell me I was not a good employee. Really? Interesting considering I make all of my stupid little goals you have and do as I'm expected. But, per his instruction, it isn't good enough to do your job. I'm fairly certain that excelling in your current position and not trying to exceed expectations is not grounds for disciplinary action.
It's funny that a week ago I had been called the reason for the improvement in the department.
So, I contacted my HR department. I'm not sure what I had hoped to accomplish by this, they rarely speak English and frequently ignore employee complaints. As I suspected, I called and got someone who sounded as though he had recently learned the basics of English. After I gave my statement, which I had carefully prepared immediately after the initial bullying incident, all he took from this was that I "did not like my GM." Look, I don't like a lot of people, but why would I waste my time contacting HR for this? If this guy understood English, maybe he would have grasped the key concept - that I feel I am being bullied into resigning.
So why be a Debbie Downer in my blog? Well, sometimes when I'm stressed and feeling overwhelmed it helps to get it out - publicly. Also, I want any leaders out there to really think about how their tendencies to gossip and their tactics to get someone to quit really impact the psyche of that employee. Especially an employee who has given exemplarily service for 6 years. And finally, if I have any legally minded friends who can help me understand my rights and options, that would be awesome. I honestly don't think I can take another day.....
Though my former GM and I had our moments where we did not see eye to eye, under no circumstances did he ever falsify my job performance, spread rumors about my alleged resignation or attempt to intimidate me into quitting. My new GM has decided to act to the contrary. All because he heard I applied for a job elsewhere.
Am I pissed I was passed up again for a promotion? Of course. However, I solved it by reflecting on what I wanted in life. I decided my current job was never going to make me happy promoted or not. I decided on a different profession entirely that would require a little more schooling. Did I decide to apply to other companies? You betcha! But my job performance has not decreased one bit. Every other manager in the store seems to admire my performance.
However, my GM apparently did not see it this way. He decided to sit me down in our conference room to tell me that the department I work in is imploding and it is essentially my fault. Interesting how a measly line level employee can be responsible for the follies of an ENTIRE department. Why not go to the supervisor? Oh, because he left just in the nick of time. Right before the department where he would actively try to pit one employee against the other imploded. But, I'm seeking other employment so it must be my fault.
In addition, he attempted to rewrite history and tell me I was not a good employee. Really? Interesting considering I make all of my stupid little goals you have and do as I'm expected. But, per his instruction, it isn't good enough to do your job. I'm fairly certain that excelling in your current position and not trying to exceed expectations is not grounds for disciplinary action.
It's funny that a week ago I had been called the reason for the improvement in the department.
So, I contacted my HR department. I'm not sure what I had hoped to accomplish by this, they rarely speak English and frequently ignore employee complaints. As I suspected, I called and got someone who sounded as though he had recently learned the basics of English. After I gave my statement, which I had carefully prepared immediately after the initial bullying incident, all he took from this was that I "did not like my GM." Look, I don't like a lot of people, but why would I waste my time contacting HR for this? If this guy understood English, maybe he would have grasped the key concept - that I feel I am being bullied into resigning.
So why be a Debbie Downer in my blog? Well, sometimes when I'm stressed and feeling overwhelmed it helps to get it out - publicly. Also, I want any leaders out there to really think about how their tendencies to gossip and their tactics to get someone to quit really impact the psyche of that employee. Especially an employee who has given exemplarily service for 6 years. And finally, if I have any legally minded friends who can help me understand my rights and options, that would be awesome. I honestly don't think I can take another day.....
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Deuce Dropping 101
All right, people. I get it. You decided to take that piece of chicken (except, it wasn't chicken) from the crazy street vendor and now you are gut wrenched and faced with a dilemma. Where do you poop? Your only option is the public restroom in that big box retailer across the street. As an employee of that store, and on behalf of all public service workers, please abide these general shit-taking-in-public rules of etiquette:
1) Courtesy flush. This should seem like a no brainer, but while you're dropping your stink bomb and you hear another person enter the restroom, give a good 'ole flush. I don't want to gag the entire time I'm peeing.
2) Please do your best to refrain from moaning. Look, it's awkward for me. I don't know whether you're dropping the big one, giving birth or fucking a stranger. I don't want to be present for any of the above, but especially the latter two.
3) If it's a messy one, don't load up all the t.p. and try to dispose on one flush. Overflowing toilets are not fun for anyone.
4) We are not heathens; there should never, I repeat, NEVER be a situation where shit gets smeared ANYWHERE in that restroom. (Seriously, I've seen it. And this is the WOMEN'S bathroom. Chicks are fucking gross!)
5) Please for the love of everything holy, flush your mess! There is nothing worse than having to pee and seeing that 2 out of the 3 stalls are filled with shit. Shit that has been sitting there for god knows how long marinating in its shitty juices and causing the entire bathroom to stink. I'm not sure where you were taught how to use the restroom, but even the most redneck of humans abide by the "If it's brown, flush it down" credo.
I thought these were basic concepts, but eight years in retail has shown me people are nasty. Come on folks, think of others when you poop in public!
1) Courtesy flush. This should seem like a no brainer, but while you're dropping your stink bomb and you hear another person enter the restroom, give a good 'ole flush. I don't want to gag the entire time I'm peeing.
2) Please do your best to refrain from moaning. Look, it's awkward for me. I don't know whether you're dropping the big one, giving birth or fucking a stranger. I don't want to be present for any of the above, but especially the latter two.
3) If it's a messy one, don't load up all the t.p. and try to dispose on one flush. Overflowing toilets are not fun for anyone.
4) We are not heathens; there should never, I repeat, NEVER be a situation where shit gets smeared ANYWHERE in that restroom. (Seriously, I've seen it. And this is the WOMEN'S bathroom. Chicks are fucking gross!)
5) Please for the love of everything holy, flush your mess! There is nothing worse than having to pee and seeing that 2 out of the 3 stalls are filled with shit. Shit that has been sitting there for god knows how long marinating in its shitty juices and causing the entire bathroom to stink. I'm not sure where you were taught how to use the restroom, but even the most redneck of humans abide by the "If it's brown, flush it down" credo.
I thought these were basic concepts, but eight years in retail has shown me people are nasty. Come on folks, think of others when you poop in public!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Cell Phones Are Evil.
How can I be expected to give you my award winning spiel when you are only willing to give me a quarter of your attention?! Sales associates by nature are attention whores. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Seriously though, this is how my typical sales interaction goes with you on your cell phone:
Customer: (holding phone slightly away from face) Hey, can you help me?
Me: Sure, what can I do for you today?
Customer: (talking into the phone) I know right! I can't believe she did that either. Oh wait, the sales lady's here. I'm trying to buy a TV. (finally acknowledging me) Oh so what's the difference between these two TVs?
Me: (in my patient tone I start stating the differences and then am rudely cut short)
Customer: (laughing hysterically) Ooooh! That bitch is crazy! I can't believe you said that! Oh shit. Hold on I gotta listen to this lady talk about TVs.
Thank you very much for successfully wasting my time. If you can't give me the common courtesy of staying off your phone, I shouldn't have to try and sell you shit. I don't need to hear your soooo not appropriate for public phone conversations. I don't care if your best friend is banging your dad. It's not my business and frankly, it makes me want to vomit.
But what's worse than the occasional customer rudely making me fight for their attention is my BOSS barking orders at me that require an answer or explanation while he is on his phone. Yes. This happens on a frequent basis. I really need a new job....(but then how would I entertain you fine readers?)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
What's In Your Bag?
I've officially seen it all. Just when I think people could not get any crazier (I mean, don't you remember No More Drum Solos?!) someone walks into my wonderful place of employment and skews my entire crazy scale.
At *insert store name here* we dabble in small appliances. I say dabble because I am not sure I work with a single person (myself included) that knows a shred of information on these. Anyway, people rarely come in to shop the area anyway. A co-worker of mine was lucky enough to be walking passed our vacuum displays and got reeled in by a crazy.
"Well, Stef. How did you know she was crazy?" you may ask. My first indication was her mismatched clothing, disheveled hair and general "crazy cat lady" presence she gave. My second indication, and I did not know how accurate my first impression was until this very following moment, was when she pulled a giant bag of cat hair out of her purse. What. The. Fuck?
As she began to sprinkle the cat hair on the ground, I saw the utter look of confused terror on my co-workers face. I did what any good peer would do. I walked the fuck away. Sorry, dude. My crazy quota is full!
Okay, I understand you need to know if a vacuum is going to pick up what you need picked up. The great thing is, we offer 30 day satisfaction guarantees so feel free to take it HOME with your 5,000 cats and see if it picks up their hair. So leave the crazy at home next time, lady. We certainly don't get paid enough for that shit!
At *insert store name here* we dabble in small appliances. I say dabble because I am not sure I work with a single person (myself included) that knows a shred of information on these. Anyway, people rarely come in to shop the area anyway. A co-worker of mine was lucky enough to be walking passed our vacuum displays and got reeled in by a crazy.
"Well, Stef. How did you know she was crazy?" you may ask. My first indication was her mismatched clothing, disheveled hair and general "crazy cat lady" presence she gave. My second indication, and I did not know how accurate my first impression was until this very following moment, was when she pulled a giant bag of cat hair out of her purse. What. The. Fuck?
As she began to sprinkle the cat hair on the ground, I saw the utter look of confused terror on my co-workers face. I did what any good peer would do. I walked the fuck away. Sorry, dude. My crazy quota is full!
Okay, I understand you need to know if a vacuum is going to pick up what you need picked up. The great thing is, we offer 30 day satisfaction guarantees so feel free to take it HOME with your 5,000 cats and see if it picks up their hair. So leave the crazy at home next time, lady. We certainly don't get paid enough for that shit!
Monday, August 8, 2011
The Yellow Circle of Doom!
(Oh you KNOW I totally Googled "child faceplant" for this pic)
Whoever decided that my store would look better with a giant yellow circle painted in the tile was a freaking genius. It has provided me many a good laugh and undoubted confirmation that I am, in fact, going to Hell if one should exist.
I am not sure of the rationale, but for some reason, small, hyper children seem to gravitate towards this yellow circle. It's as if they are being compelled by some unnatural force. And are being moved to...well...move. This often comes in the senseless act of running around in said yellow circle until BAM! They land face first on that dirty little floor.
Is it my fault that your small child face planting in public makes me erupt in a fit of inappropriate laughter? I certainly don't think so. Unfortunately, the general population would disagree with me judging by the number of disapproving glares shot my way whenever this happens. Hey, when other people get hurt, especially those who do not have yet developed full motor skills, it is funny. To suggest otherwise is a blatant lie.
I only wish I had the foresight to capture these glorious moments on camera. Don't worry, disapproving parentals, my company has since removed this yellow circle of doom from the majority of its stores taking away the one happy moment I could forward to each shift. I suppose I'll just have to resort to tripping them myself now....
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