Deuce Dropping 101

All right, people.  I get it.  You decided to take that piece of chicken (except, it wasn't chicken) from the crazy street vendor and now you are gut wrenched and faced with a dilemma.  Where do you poop?  Your only option is the public restroom in that big box retailer across the street.  As an employee of that store, and on behalf of all public service workers, please abide these general shit-taking-in-public rules of etiquette:

1) Courtesy flush.  This should seem like a no brainer, but while you're dropping your stink bomb and you hear another person enter the restroom, give a good 'ole flush.  I don't want to gag the entire time I'm peeing.

2) Please do your best to refrain from moaning.  Look, it's awkward for me.  I don't know whether you're dropping the big one, giving birth or fucking a stranger.  I don't want to be present for any of the above, but especially the latter two.

3) If it's a messy one, don't load up all the t.p. and try to dispose on one flush.  Overflowing toilets are not fun for anyone.

4) We are not heathens; there should never, I repeat, NEVER be a situation where shit gets smeared ANYWHERE in that restroom. (Seriously, I've seen it. And this is the WOMEN'S bathroom. Chicks are fucking gross!)

5) Please for the love of everything holy, flush your mess!  There is nothing worse than having to pee and seeing that 2 out of the 3 stalls are filled with shit.  Shit that has been sitting there for god knows how long marinating in its shitty juices and causing the entire bathroom to stink.  I'm not sure where you were taught how to use the restroom, but even the most redneck of humans abide by the "If it's brown, flush it down" credo.

I thought these were basic concepts, but eight years in retail has shown me people are nasty.  Come on folks, think of others when you poop in public!