Bucket List.

Most people construct a bucket list of important things they want to accomplish before dying; travel the world, bungee jump, or climb Everest.  Sometimes they're even quite noble; help the starving Ethiopians, find a cure for cancer, or even make amends with those you've wronged.  If you know me, you know I haven't the ability to construct a list so consequential or noble.  I have instead constructed my list of shit to do before I quit my job.


I have absolutely no intention of staying in the retail biz.  I am much happier and much more talented as a writer to waste my life away serving others. Also, as it turns out, I'm not really a fan of the general public.


But I digress....


This is how I intend to spend my last week in retail when I finally get out.


1)  Be as blatantly sarcastic as possible.
                Customer:  "Do you work here?"
                          Me:  "Funny you should ask.  I actually beat the shit out 
                                    of this girl in the bathroom a minute ago to steal her 
                                    uniform.  It's so pretty. Someone should really go 
                                    check on her...."


2)  Instate the "fresh air break."
                Look. If smokers get to go outside every hour for 10 to 15 
                minutes to get their nicotine fix, I can go outside and play in the 
                fresh air for 10-15 minutes. (For this fantasy, I quit when it's nice 
                outside. It makes sense in my head....)


3)  Remove the "with a smile" from the "condescending with a smile" sales 
     strategy.
                  Customer:  "I want that TV with 1020 pixels."
                            Me:  "Hm. I'm not familiar with a TV that only has 1020 
                                      pixels."
                  Customer:  "Obviously you don't know anything because it says 
                                      720p or 1020p on those tags! P is for pixels!"
                            Me:  "Oh.  I think you mean 720 vs. 1080 as there is no such 
                                      thing as 1020.  Furthermore, if your TV only had 1080 
                                      pixels it would look like shit.  The "p" stands for 
                                      progressive not pixels.  Moron."
                  *Don't come in and try to school me when you don't know your head 
                    from your ass.  Though I don't claim to know it all, do your research 
                    before attempting to showcase you know more than the good ole
                   (name of the company I work for here) employees.*


4)  I am going to attempt to incite a conversation like the one in the video 
     below with my management staff.  They talk about financing so much
     it shouldn't be that difficult. 
                   It is important to note that I did not make this.  If you read my blog 
                   regularly, you may remember this gem.
                      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2o-IQCM88s4&feature=feedf


5)  Agree with all the utterly moronic things people come in and say.
                  Customer:  "This dude that my cousin's friend's girlfriend's 
                                      dad knows told me he read on the internet that
                                      I could install this wall mount on some plywood
                                      and hang my 65" Plasma that weighs about 130lbs
                                      on it."
                           Me:   "Yep.  That shouldn't be a problem."


This is by no means a complete list, but these are the ones I find myself wanting to do more and more everyday.  I certainly hope this last week ever is approaching soon...


                      *Disclaimer: I am merely having fun using my life
                                           for ridiculous satire.  If you are incapable 
                                          of taking my commentary at face value and 
                                         having fun with it, go fuck yourself. Kthanxbye.