FREE with purchase

Yes, bitches, I am back!  Sorry for the extended hiatus.  Life is hectic when you move nearly 1,000 miles away!

If you don't know, I've moved from Davenport, Iowa to Cedar Hill, Texas.  Crazy, eh?  But have no fear, gentle readers, I stayed with my company who has provided me with such comical content up until this point. Also, the people in Texas have not disappointed me with their antics which will result in many humorous blogs to come. :)

The recent trend I'm noticing is how we are offering free things with purchases.  Example: "Buy this TV and get this free blu ray player!"  I never thought I would have to work so hard to give something away.

Now, I completely understand that often times the gift product is utterly useless.  Currently, our free blu ray player is paired with a 3D enabled TV but the player is not capable of 3D.  Silly, I know.  But it is a FREE BLU RAY.  Put it in your bedroom, tea room, what the fuck ever.  It is FREE! Stop bitching.

One such customer attempted to tell me how he was going to cheat the system. *eye roll paired with audible sigh*  Here we go.

    Customer : "Well, if you won't just credit me the $299 the blu ray is worth, then I'll return it!"
               Me: "Sir, that is completely fine if you do not wish to use the included blu ray player.
                        Unfortunately you will receive no refund as the player was free with purchase."
     Customer: "No. On my receipt, it shows I paid for it! Ha! Your system will not know."
               Me: "Actually, sir, as you can see the price of the television was discounted to reflect addition
                        of the free item.  If said item is returned, the system will automatically return the television
                        to its original price which will not affect the price you paid.  In other words, you will
                        receive no refund. Would you like to keep this player?"
     Customer: "I guess, since it's free.  Look for it on eBay!"

Really, dude?  Do you think you are hurting me with your ability to post a player on eBay?  I don't give a shit.  It isn't costing me anything.  Sell it if you don't want it!  Use your free item however you choose. You aren't finally outsmarting me.  You just made yourself look like a moron for arguing about my company's desire to give you something for free.

Have a great day, dipshit.

Don't You Forget About Me

Hey there avid readers!  I'm not ignoring you, I swear!

I did not, in fact, pursue my threat of leaving *insert company name here.*  I instead took a position with them outside of my cancerous store.  I'm moving to Texas!

That being said, it will be a few days before I have the time to sit down and publish something of worth.  But do not fret, gentle readers, retail hijinx will resume, and if it is true that everything is bigger in Texas, it will be worth the wait.

Premature Swipe-ulation

You just got caught up in the overwhelming excitement of purchasing your brand new TV, or iPod, and before you know it, you're swiping before the cash register is ready for you.  Oops.

It's called premature swipe-ulation (actually, I just made that up) and it is the bane of many a cashier's existence.  With recent technological advances of the ever popular signature pad and its corresponding POS software, the consumer (if he or she can read) knows exactly when to time their swipe for the maximum enjoyment of both parties.  However, there will always be that person who is unwilling to take the 2 seconds to read directions which leads to a very disappointed cashier.

At my place of employment, our signature pad does double duty (hehe, I just said "duty"): it serves not only as a card swiper, but as a medium to verify personal information during a transaction.  I cannot grasp the stupidity involved when creating a panoply of questions we force our customers to go through, but it makes my job that much harder due to the increasing stupidity of our customers.

I sell TVs.  When you buy a TV from *insert store name here*, you get to answer nearly all of these questions.

"Could you verify your information?"  No, you cannot swipe now.

"And one more time."  I'm sorry, you still cannot swipe.

"Oh, you want the protection plan? Verify that information please." If you would kindly pay attention to the screen, it has not yet asked for your card, so please do not swipe.

"Also, could you select 'yes' that I have provided you with the necessary terms and conditions for this, this and this that you have purchase?"  You are still swiping in vain.

During every sale, it seems I am reminding the customer two or three times to not swipe yet.  It also never fails that by the time it is actually time to swipe, the customer has assumed that one of the many times they've swiped has satisfied the signature pad's needs and the card is buried away in their wallet.  If I have to listen to one more audible sigh directed towards me for your inability to read simple directions, I may just murder you with said credit card.

So, fine retail shoppers, read the directions, keep that card firmly in your hand until you get the go ahead to swipe, and take a deep breath.  With these simple steps we can all avoid the pain and embarrassment of premature swipe-ulation.  I hear thinking about baseball helps....

Betcha Didn't Know I Could Bitch Too!

I'm not sure why I continue to put myself through the ringer for a job I am clearly above.  I certainly didn't spend nearly four years of my life in a competitive college program to wither away in a retail environment. And yet....

I am not the type who is content to just be an employee.  Present job excluded, I have always been immediately recognized as a leader and put in such positions as a result.  Yes, the monetary increase is always good, but I actually enjoy being in charge and developing my team.  This is the only job I've held where I have yet to be promoted and it is the job I have poured the most effort into with zero pay off.

Recently a new position opened up that I was made for.  I had to do very little research because it is an area of expertise for me.  Despite being fucked over numerous times in the past by this company, I decided I would give this one more whirl.  Clearly, I did not receive the promotion.

It is not about the other person or even that I didn't get the job.  It is the way these "leaders" constantly give the same, very unhelpful reasons on why I didn't get the job.

"I don't really have feedback to give.  It was a great interview.  We just chose someone else."   Oh. So what you're telling me is the interview process is a waste for anyone who isn't the person you first had in mind.  You should probably do the efficient thing and just offer that person the position instead. Idiot.

"You don't work in that department and the other person did."  Okay, so why not make that a requirement for applying for that position?  You continually waste people's time!

 Or, my personal favorite, "I just don't think you were passionate enough about *insert job description here.*"  I am so glad that people who have barely taken the time or effort to get to know anything about me can be the judge of what is or is not a passion of mine.  Since you clearly must be psychic, can you get me next week's Powerball numbers? Thanks.

Be an asshole.  Tell me the real reasons I don't get positions.  Honestly, I can tell you it has nothing to do with my qualifications and everything to do with the fact that I have made myself a person to be walked all over.  Which is odd considering I'm kind of a bitch in every other aspect of life.

Clearly, my logic has no place in the world of retail.  I forget that having passions that don't pertain to this company or do not interest the people in charge are not valid passions for one to have.  If one doesn't understand the necessity for balance between work and play in their life, then they are a perfect candidate.   Anyone who doesn't wake up every day LIVING for the company is clearly a waste of time no matter how intelligent, qualified or talented they might be.

That's cool, *insert company name here,* I won't waste anymore of your time, and you certainly won't get anymore of mine!

By the way...anyone need a writer?

Yes. I have tattoos.

A good friend of mine recently told me of a story where she was somewhere shopping or eating and had an older couple just gawk at her for a good ten minutes.  She has a blue mohawk.  They didn't say anything to her or to themselves.  Her solution?  Walk up to them, stand as close as possible, and say "HI!" very loudly devoid of any emotion.  It made them feel awkward as hell.  They left her alone.

Gawking is the quickest way to make shit awkward.  Want to make things even worse?  Go up to said gawkee, grab their arm and proceed to inspect their tattoos.  If that isn't enough, you can always start removing articles of clothing to show of your tattoos.  These incidents happen to me frequently.  But never in the same day.  Until today.

The first culprit; a short, middle aged man.  He stood staring at my collection of tattoos as if I were a museum display.  I walked up to him and asked if he needed some assistance because he was looking at me as if I could help him.  He the proceeded to silently grab my left arm by the wrist and start rotating it to see all of my work.  Not okay.  My right fist clenched and prepared to strike.  He let go just as I was about to release.  Lucky him.  When he finally spoke, he caressed my arm (ew) and told me my color was beautiful.  Um...I know.  Your compliment in no way makes up for you touching me!

I do not like be touched by strangers.  If you wanted to look at my work, cool.  Just ask.  Museums have a strict "do not touch the exhibits" policy.  If you choose to treat me like a display, at least be consistent.

After I calmed down, I had another customer interested in my work.  She at least understood the physical boundaries and asked to take a look instead of touching me.  This I appreciated.  Unfortunately, she did not understand that taking off articles of clothing in public to show me her shiiiiiiiitty prison style tattoos was also a boundary which should never be crossed.

This woman epitomized white trash.  I stood wide eyed and terrified as she started removing clothing.  She had roughly seven tattoos which she claimed were lions.  The combination of her leathery, over tanned, old skin with generally piss poor tattoos rendered them little more than blobs.

She eagerly awaited my approval to her blobs.  What do you say to that?  I realize I am supposed to be nice, but lady, you just got nearly butt ass naked in the middle of a big box retailer at peek hours.  And your tattoos weren't even well done!  All I could muster was a, "Neat."

I am not sure where people got the impression that touching me, or visually assaulting me with your horrible tattoos was proper social etiquette.  Please take this as your formal warning!

Smelliness to Proximity (ft.)

Have you ever noticed the correlation between how horrible a person smells and how close they feel is appropriate to stand next to another human being?  Having the (dis)pleasure of working with the general public has made me uniquely qualified to report on this subject.

I have provided a graph outlining my findings.

As you can see, the more offensive the odor, the closer the customer stands.  This finding is not prejudice to just those with body odor.  Oh, no.  Those suffering from massive halitosis are common offenders also.

These offenders do not respond to your feeble attempts at creating a comfortable distance between you.  They will in fact make every effort to close any distance you have managed to create.  These smelly folk like to spread their funk to as many people as possible.  I have found for each foot of space you put between you and this smelly offender, said offender closes the gap by a foot and a half.

Please, I encourage you, and those you know, to abide the social standard of personal hygiene.  This epidemic is affecting big box retail employees world wide.  Help end this alarming trend!

The cause of this phenomenon is still under investigation.  I will provide a follow up report if this finding is ever revealed.

Snap, Whistle, Clap.

Snaps, whistles and claps are appropriate and accepted means to get your loyal dog to return to you after a game of fetch.  Snaps, whistles and claps are never, have never and (hopefully) will NEVER be an accepted means to get the attention of a customer service worker.

I'm not sure what kind of brain abnormality (other than general trashiness) one has to possess to think this is acceptable social behavior.  Where did you learn to socialize?  The zoo?  Perhaps that explains not only your lack of social skills, but your smell as well.

Though this happens on a fairly regular basis where I work, today's occurrence takes the cake.

I had the pleasure of helping a genuinely nice older couple who unfortunately didn't know shit about televisions.  When you get this type of customer, you spend an obscene amount of time dumbing down all the technical terms so they can sort of grasp all of the technical specifications surrounding electronics today.  

These people were not standing far away from me at all.  They were not silently debating their many TV options.  We were actively conversing.

Enter: quintessential rude, over privileged, trust fund toting, 20 something male.  Look, kid.  I am not commissioned.  Realistically I could give a shit less how much money you spend at this store.  You will shut the fuck up and wait your turn.

While my poor, techno-illiterate old couple was trying to absorb the knowledge I was dispersing, this piece of shit in a suit cleared his throat, made eye contact with me and proceeded to snap at me.  Not snapping to the beat of the wonderful musical stylings of The Bouncing Souls.  Oh no.  Snapping at me with a look that conveyed, "Bitch, come."

If you've met me, you are probably aware of my temper.  This temper just keeps getting shorter and shorter the more disgruntled I become.  An immediate way to make my restraint on said temper completely nonexistent is to treat me like I am stupid or beneath you.  This man, nay, boy, did both with only a look and a snap.

I smiled my, "you are just about to get your world fucked up" smile, cleared my throat, chuckled and responded with a raised index finger.  The raised index finger is the customer service worker's equivalent to a snap.  It is perhaps one of the rudest gestures someone can make to tell a person, "I'll be right with you."  It was one finger off from what he deserved.

I took my sweet ass time with my nice elderly couple, taking extra care to explain each individual specification in the easiest way possible.  I was executing my job to a "T" while doucher over there stood staring and audibly sighed every few seconds.

I eventually got to him and basically talked down to him the entire time.  He was not enjoying the fact that my intellect far surpassed his own (which, I might add, was less than impressive). Yes, I know more than you.  Yes, I am more articulate than you (this moron didn't understand the word "aesthetics." Fail.).  Yes, you improperly assumed I am uneducated because I work a blue collar job.  You lose on all accounts.

My hope is that one day I will be encouraged to respond to these customers in the only way that would generally make an impact; a good 'ole fashioned throat punch.