Do you ever wonder how the minimum wage slaves at your favorite big box retailer remain so peppy despite the less than desirable working conditions they face? Let me let you in on a little secret. They’re playing games at your expense. It’s true! Allow me to illustrate.
One of my personal favorites is the Hitler Point. Picture an unsuspecting customer walking up to a bored sales associate and asking where something is located. Instead of pointing like a normal human being, I like to give a point that resembles the “Hail Hitler” salute. You know, all four phalanges close together, arm extended high into the air. One of those. I get the strangest looks, but no one ever asks me if I’m a Nazi.
An old co-worker of mine decided to emulate a character from the cult classic, Super Troopers. His job is to greet customers when they enter and exit the store. As I’m sure you can imagine, this is one of the most boring jobs anyone could have. When customers exit, he makes it a point to say, “Thanks meow!” causing the customer to do a double take. Sometimes he would say, “Hi folks!” but used such an odd accent it sounded a lot like, “Hi fucks!” You can almost hear them thinking, “Did that really just happen?” Yes. Yes it did.
Another age old favorite takes a truly talented individual. If executed improperly, this WILL backfire and your fun filled work day will end in an uncomfortable conversation with that one manager who no doubt has no sense of humor. Try answering all of their questions with a question. This has brought great amusement to me throughout the years. Luckily, people look at me and think I’m a nice person so they don’t complain. WRONG.
Customer: “So what’s the best TV?”
Me: “Hm. That’s a good question. Which one do you think?”
Customer: “Well I’ve heard the Samsung. Should I be thinking about adding additional speakers?”
Me: “Do you think you need speakers?”
Customer: “Yes. Let’s go ahead and add speakers. You’re great!”
It’s very difficult to accomplish without cracking a few smiles. If you approach it correctly, the customer will be none the wiser that you’re using them for your own amusement. In most cases, after the interaction they actually ask to speak to a manager to tell them how amazing I was. I wish I was making this up.
Have you ever had an associate help you find a product and you get an unsolicited grand tour of the store because that moron had no idea where the product was in the first place? Yeah, that was intentional. I frequently see how long it takes a customer to get annoyed with me while showing them a product. It makes the days go by quicker.
Lastly, beware when you hear those seemingly nice associates page odd things over their radios. Like, “Code Pineapple” or “Code Orange.” These are not terrorist threat levels or anything serious. These are either stalking out hot customers or, more likely, stalking out some customer that needs to be made fun of immediately. Mullets, front butts, trashy folks, you name it. We are judgemental little bastards. But hey, you asshole customers and (some - not all) shitty bosses made us this way!
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