We're Closed.

Dumbass Customer 1:  “Hey man!  What time is it?”

Dumbass Customer 2:  “Oh it’s 8:55pm.”

Dumbass Customer 1:  “What time does ::insert store name here:: close?”

Dumbass Customer 2:  “9pm.”

Dumbass Customer 1:  “Okay! Let’s go! I need an excessive amount of technical knowledge and though I’m aware five minutes before closing is not nearly enough time, I don’t have enough respect for the workers as human beings to really care.”

I feel this is a nightly occurrence for all sales associates unfortunate enough to share the burden of closing down their store.  Having the (dis)pleasure of doing this for six years (and oddly enough, two going on three weeks straight most recently), I am more than qualified on the subject.

Before you get on your “well it’s your job, if you don’t like it quit” soap box, allow me to point out one very important fact.  Though it is “their job” you have to make appointments to see medical professionals because they have OFFICE HOURS.  How is this different than BUSINESS HOURS?  You cannot simply waltz into your doctor’s office 5 minutes before his or her office closes.  Well, you can, just don’t expect to receive any care.  In fact, more than likely, you will be asked to leave the premises. Just because they make $500/hr and we get our measly $8/hr (on average), why isn’t my time just as important?  

I’m less annoyed by the people who know exactly what they need and more or less exactly where it is.  Like a movie, for example.  These self serve customers are not the people I’m talking about.  I’m talking about customers like Dumbass #1.  Look, dude.  I have no patience for your kind.  I don’t give a shit that you feel the world revolves around you.  Would you like me to give you a run down of all the shit I have to get accomplished before I can go home?  The shit that you are preventing me from getting done in a timely manner.  You really think my idea of fun is stay 2, sometimes 3 hours passed my shift just because you felt the need to disregard our hours?  It’s not.  

Trust me, you will be receiving less than adequate service if you come into any store trying to get in depth assistance when they are about to close.  Let me draw another parallel.  You wouldn’t walk into a restaurant looking for service right before they closed, would you?  You certainly would not.  Because you know as well as I that if they even decided to seat you, your food would most likely be fucked with.  Well, we can’t fuck with your food, but we can fuck your world up just as easily!  

So please, don’t be a dick.  Check the store hours (which I may add are found in LARGE, BOLD print on every entrance at every store I have ever been) and plan your trip accordingly.  Not only will you be making the lives of sales associates everywhere easier, but you will be less likely to get shitty service.  

This has been an (un)paid service announcement by The Big Blue Bitch.

The Games We Like to Play

Do you ever wonder how the minimum wage slaves at your favorite big box retailer remain so peppy despite the less than desirable working conditions they face?  Let me let you in on a little secret.  They’re playing games at your expense.  It’s true!  Allow me to illustrate. 

One of my personal favorites is the Hitler Point.  Picture an unsuspecting customer walking up to a bored sales associate and asking where something is located.  Instead of pointing like a normal human being, I like to give a point that resembles the “Hail Hitler” salute.  You know, all four phalanges close together, arm extended high into the air.  One of those.  I get the strangest looks, but no one ever asks me if I’m a Nazi.

An old co-worker of mine decided to emulate a character from the cult classic, Super Troopers.  His job is to greet customers when they enter and exit the store.  As I’m sure you can imagine, this is one of the most boring jobs anyone could have.  When customers exit, he makes it a point to say, “Thanks meow!” causing the customer to do a double take.  Sometimes he would say, “Hi folks!” but used such an odd accent it sounded a lot like, “Hi fucks!” You can almost hear them thinking, “Did that really just happen?” Yes.  Yes it did.

Another age old favorite takes a truly talented individual.  If executed improperly, this WILL backfire and your fun filled work day will end in an uncomfortable conversation with that one manager who no doubt has no sense of humor.  Try answering all of their questions with a question.  This has brought great amusement to me throughout the years.  Luckily, people look at me and think I’m a nice person so they don’t complain.  WRONG.  

Customer: “So what’s the best TV?”  

Me: “Hm. That’s a good question. Which one do you think?”

Customer: “Well I’ve heard the Samsung.  Should I be thinking about adding additional speakers?”

Me: “Do you think you need speakers?”

Customer: “Yes. Let’s go ahead and add speakers. You’re great!”

It’s very difficult to accomplish without cracking a few smiles.  If you approach it correctly, the customer will be none the wiser that you’re using them for your own amusement.  In most cases, after the interaction they actually ask to speak to a manager to tell them how amazing I was.  I wish I was making this up.

Have you ever had an associate help you find a product and you get an unsolicited grand tour of the store because that moron had no idea where the product was in the first place?  Yeah, that was intentional.  I frequently see how long it takes a customer to get annoyed with me while showing them a product.  It makes the days go by quicker.  

Lastly, beware when you hear those seemingly nice associates page odd things over their radios.  Like, “Code Pineapple” or “Code Orange.”  These are not terrorist threat levels or anything serious.  These are either stalking out hot customers or, more likely, stalking out some customer that needs to be made fun of immediately.  Mullets, front butts, trashy folks, you name it.  We are judgemental little bastards.  But hey, you asshole customers and (some - not all) shitty bosses made us this way!