Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning To Work.

It wasn't until I started to work retail did I truly grasp how disgusting the general public is.  I wasn't aware that we had to post signs telling employees to wash their hands.  I think what we failed to anticipate is how many customers fail to engage in this act of basic personal hygiene. 


I really thought that washing your hands after using the restroom was habit for people.  Clearly I was wrong.  I would say something cliche like, "I don't mean to be judgmental," but we all know there are few things in this world I love more than being judgey. 


It always seems to be the people that look like dirty fuckers that actually ARE dirty fuckers.  Today I visited our public restroom to wash my hands before lunch.  A women emerged from the bathroom stall and I knew almost immediately that if anyone wasn't going to wash their hands after going to the bathroom, it was this woman.


Let's start from the top.  Her hair hasn't seen a stylist or hairbrush in a few decades.  It was a multitude of different browns and blondes with a few red streaks that appeared to be Kool-aid.  Also, she had meth teeth.  Her clothes were about two sizes too small and twenty generations too young.


She appeared to consider washing her hands.  She looked at me, then the faucet followed by the soap as if she had to weigh the pros and cons of washing her hands.  The only time, and I do mean ONLY time, this is acceptable is if you're being chased by some sort of law official or hitman.  She was not.


Look.  I should not have to touch your vag germs by touching a doorknob or piece of product, or worse yet, shaking your hand as is common practice at my job, just because you are too lazy to take the 30 seconds to clean yourself.  Stop spreading your skeeze! 


Did I mention she forgot to flush?

(Not) Above The Law.

About five years ago when Myspace was still slightly relevant, I attempted to keep a blog there.  True to my form, I used it as my own personal soap box to vent about injustice and unrest in the corporate world.  Five years ago, this lead my crack team of managers to have a talk with me about the content of my blog.

In case you are unaware, there is this nifty little document called, "The U.S. Constitution."  Within this official document there lies a set of amendments which grant further rights that were later deemed pertinent.   This is called, "The Bill of Rights."  The First Amendment protects us against any consequences for having an opinion and sharing said opinion with whomever will listen.  Allow me to type this verbatim for you fine folks at home.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Now there are the obvious exclusions to the First Amendment.  Libel, slander, defamation, etc.  Basically, if my freedom of speech directly affects any of your basic rights then I am no longer protected.  That being said, it is extremely difficult to prove that mere words greatly impact any of your rights.

Okay, now that the history lesson is over.....

It's become a common practice for employers to look over your social networking sites to determine if you are a candidate worthy of working for them.  To an extent, I can see why this would be beneficial.  If you have an applicant selling stolen shit on Ebay from their previous employer, probably not someone you want working for you.  But, for the most part, what people say on those sites is unimportant and not an accurate or complete depiction of their character.

That being said, my job has once again felt entitled to tell employees that their social networking sites are being watched and content they deem inappropriate will be dealt with accordingly.

A few entries ago I mentioned how the company I work for thinks their law lives outside the normal every day laws we all must abide.  At that time, my store wasn't really the culprit.  This time they are attempting to cross a line by which I don't think they fully understand the potential repercussions they face.  If you think you have financial problems now, imagine how much your company will take a hit when they not only have to pay employees unemployment but also settlements from civil rights suits.

To my management staff: I will not be censored! Firstly, in no way have I directly mentioned the name of the company I work for.  I cannot be held responsible for the impeccable deductive skills of my readers!  You guys really are very smart.  :)

Secondly, it's a fucking blog.  Realistically how much damage can I do? The majority of my stories center around funny anecdotal tales of our customers.  Anyone who does a general Google Blog search with the company name can find a plethora of customer horror stories in dealing with the store which is far more detrimental to the business than some employee pointing out managerial flaws.

My blog is funny and until people stop reading, I will not stop posting. With that, I leave you with a, "Booyah!"

What's that brace for?

The obvious thing to do when you see someone wearing a knee brace is to ask, "Did you hurt yourself?"  No, actually I just want to start a new fashion trend.  Fucking morons.

The next obvious thing is to make me carry your shit across the fucking store.  We have already established that I have an injury that impedes my ability to walk comfortably.  What in your tiny narcissistic brain leads you to believe that I am here to be your personal mule?  Fuck you.  I'm hurt.  On a normal day (or a  heavily medicated one) I will walk it up for your inept ass even though I'm pretty sure you can handle that 5 pound, 19 inch LED all by yourself.

Which brings me to my next question; why would you come to purchase a television and walk right by the series of carts you pass to get there?  Do you think the mythical TV fairies teleport that shit into your car?  No.  It has to get there somehow.  So don't give me the stink eye when I say, "Okay, let me run up and grab you a cart."  Do you think my 5'2 self has the arm span capable to carry a 37" box?  The box is bigger than I am. What the fuck do you think?

I cannot wait until the day I eventually leave this place and get the pleasure of saying all of this verbatim to some unsuspecting brainless shopper.  Trust me when I say, that day will go down in infamy.....

No More Drum Solos!

There are some situations even the most creative of mind could not fabricate.  This is one such occurrence.

At my job, it is customary to take over for an employee who is helping out in your department once you are free.  I'm usually very observant when it comes to noticing a fellow employee in need of assistance.  I ran into what I thought was a co-worker in dire need of someone knowledgeable in speakers today.  Little did I know I mistook his look of fright for confusion..

The first indication this man was borderline insane should have been the fact that he brought in a stack of CDs to listen to in our system.  As I approached my co-worker, the customer began swaying back and forth and air drumming. When I asked if he had some questions about our speakers, his reply was something along the lines of, "You would never have guessed this was off vinyl, would you?  WOULD YOU?"  Me: "Uh...no?" Thus began the longest hour of my life. Yes. Hour. HOUR.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to listen to bootleg live Deep Purple, this man also had a horrible concept of personal space etiquette.  Look, dude, if I don't know you, the appropriate length to stand away from me is at LEAST 5 feet.  Unless you're hot.  He was not.

Oh. Did you catch the "bootleg live Deep Purple" part?  If not, let me reiterate. Live. Deep. Purple.  Have you heard a live album by any classic rock band?!  Every song is around 15 minutes with 10 minutes of drum solo.  I'm not sure how many drum solos you have heard, but NONE of them, and I do mean NONE are impressive if they last longer than a minute.  Drummers are hot and all, but you're not soloists.  Unless you're Travis Barker.  Again, he was not.

The music, the personal space issues, and lest we forget the commentary.  About every 10 seconds he would spout gems like, "Oh. Listen. Listen to this. Isn't that great? You would never hear anything like this on a new cd. Would you? WOULD YOU? No. You wouldn't. This guy. This guy that made this for me. It's an original vinyl.  You wouldn't ever guess it's vinyl. Let me tell you how he did it." Dude, I don't fucking care.  You are creepy.  Unfortunately, when I don that blue shirt, I feel obligated to fain interest.  Probably the worst decision I've made in awhile. 

This went on, like I said, for an HOUR.  An hour of my life I will never get back.  An hour of drum solos.  Classic rock drum solos.  And air drumming.  And commentary.  When I was seriously contemplating slitting my wrists with the dull box cutter in my back pocket, a poor innocent bystander was roped into his craziness.  I walked away.  Yep.  Just walked away.  What else could I do?  Next time I see a 50 something holding burned CDs hanging out in my department, I am running the other way. 

Would You Like A Credit Card?

I wish I could take credit for this amazing cinematic masterpiece.  That fact does not take away from its message.  Working retail, I have had the opportunity to work with some real douchebags.  I'm not sure what it is that makes a person throw all logic out the window upon achieving slight corporate success, but the mere fact this video was made by another affiliate of the company I work for, not the STORE I work in, is proof that once you are "leadership," you become a pod person.

Now, I can't be too upset. Working for this company has provided me with enough literary commentary to last my entire career (can it be considered a career if I make no money? Hmm...).  But one has to ask, when is the line drawn between setting realistic expectations for employees and tyranny?

A colleague of mine who works in a different state received an email from a district manager promising terminations for those employees who do not sign up at least one person a day for a new credit card. Hm.  How is one to FORCE a credit card upon a reasonable minded American who understands the way to crawl out of this recession is NOT to dig yourself deeper into debt?  It's pretty difficult to argue with logic.  Oh.....wait......

His rationale? Well you can't work at McDonald's if you can't attach french fries to every order!  I don't know about you, but when I head to the local McDee's for a shake, I don't care how nice the dude at the window is; I don't want fries.  Telling me how adding fries to my order will improve my quality of life is not going to make me anymore inclined to purchase them. If I wanted fries, I would have fucking ordered fries.  Thank you, drive around.

I am, however, extremely interested to see how this plays out.  I know my company employs a significant amount of morons, but I have to believe that there are at least a few educated people scattered throughout this company who will grasp the illegality of this move.  Wouldn't it be hilarious to see a company go under as a result of owing too many unemployment benefits for unrightfully terminating employees?  So your credit card scheme actually HURT your business? Huh. Who would have thunk?